Dollars Make Sense.

You Get No Beats: Teflon Don.

Posted in reviews. by Jason Mekkam on July 28, 2010

Round two.

Welcome back to another edition of You Get No Beats – 1/3 album review, 1/3 game show, 8/5 good old wholesome fuckery.

My moms thought the first one was adorable, so I figure we’d give it another go, ya?

For those of you just joining us, here’s how we do: Imma go through the album track by track, pick out a lyric(s) that sticks out like a brotha on a hockey team, and then speak knowledge on said lyric(s). At the end, I’ll issue a verdict: either the album at hand gets beats or no beats.

Beats = For this album them strippers get extra hype.

Or..

No Beats = For this album them strippers turn extra dyke.

Real simple.

You got it? Groovy. So let’s get it in. As you can tell by the title/picture, the subject of this round is none other than the Rick Rozay’s Teflon Don.

Let the fuckery commence:

1. I’m Not A Star (Produced by J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League)

Rozay says: “Make all of my bitches tattoo my logo on they titty/ Put a statue of a nigga in the middle of the city”

WULU says: *Blank Stare*

Buffoonery babbles. Strike one Ricky.

Looking over the credits for this here album I notice beats be provided by the likes of The Inkredibles, J.U.S.T.I.C.E League, Clark Kent, Lex Luger, and The Olmypicks.

What the fudgesicles?

Are these music producers or cartoon characters? Now if the latter is true, I ain’t mad cuz Saturday morning cartoons have fallen off in a major way. True story..

I’m about my Ninja Turtles, what the fuck is a Yu-Gi-Oh?

2. Free Mason feat. Jay-Z & John Legend (Produced by The Inkredibles)

Rozay says: “I’ll go to the grave before I be a bitch nigga/Better behave you’re dealing with some rich niggas”

WULU says: This line right here epitomizes the appeal that is Rick Ross. This man’s music simply makes you feel rich. Wealthy even. No matter your socioeconomic class, due to the larger-than-life aura Ross so masterfully injects into the heart of his rhymes, it’s impossible not to live vicariously through his words.

Although, not to say there aren’t drawbacks to all this.. I can just imagine dudes humming the chorus to “Free Mason” while waiting in line to purchase a pack of menthols from their local convince store..

“Bitch watchu mean I can’t buy my cigarettes with these here food stamps. Shit you best start behavin before I catch as case. Don’t you know dealing wit a rich nigga?”

Delusions of grandeur can embarrass..

3. Tears Of Joy feat. Cee-Lo (Produced by No I.D.)

Rozay says: “Life is just a pussy race/ Snatch a bitch take her back to your place/Next morning i can tell you how the pussy taste/I got expensive taste”

WULU says: I’m starting to notice a disturbing trend that’s quickly becoming all the more prevalent in hip-hop lyrics: rappers talking about how much vagina they digest in between appetizers and desserts.

Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not punking dudes for going down on their ladies. Far from. It’s 2010. I’m all for equal rights/equal pleasures. Fellas do you. Munch away. Especially if she’s doing you. Selfishness – we’re off that right?

However, this doesn’t negate the fact that giving an oral inspection of your partners giblets, male or female, is a subordinate act because the inspector receives no physical pleasures for his/herself.

Having said this, doesn’t it seem like a pretty odd thing to brag about? You’d never hear a dude rejoice over how he just convinced his neighbors to let him mow their lawn. Similarly, if you’re going to offer someone a hundred dollars for nothing in return, wouldn’t they be foolish not to take it? So how much sense does it really make to brag about eating kittens when a woman 9 times out of 10 would be silly to turn down such an offer. Even Lil’ Kim, a women I find nasty on so. many. levels. seldom speaks on how many fellas she goes down on. Cuz that’s just fucking weird.

Somethings are just better kept private..

But congratulations Rick. I’m happy for you. You’re fancy. I hope Lil Wayne let’s you hop on the remix.

For the ladies..

4. Maybach Music III feat. T.I., Jadakiss & Erykah Badu (Produced by J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League)

T.I. says: [insert his entire verse here]

WULU says: I don’t mean to Stan, but I’m really glad this guy is no longer under the jail. All his verses crack me up. Mad witty. But his wisecracks are all so subtle, that you really have to pay attention. Genius I think.

However..

At the same time, I’ve come to the conclusion that he belongs to a category of rappers who actually sound more intelligent/audible/well-spoken on the mic than they do in real life. For example, peep this clip of T.I. giving an interview on the set of Drake’s Fancy video:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Say what Mr. Harris? I don’t think ‘monstrosity’ is supposed to be used like that. I swear some dudes learn a couple big vocabs and then hold onto em for dear life.

You don’t need them five dollar words Tip! Let go! We love you for who you are.

Judging by his recent features tho, King Unleashed should be a bammer. WULU is excited.

5. Live Fast, Die Young feat. Kanye West (Produced by Kanye West)

Rozay says: “All the models over here but they swallow everywhere/ She came to party like it’s 1999/ If she died on my dick/ She would live through my rhymes”

WULU says: *Blank Stare*

Buffoonery babbles. Strike two Ricky.

Kanye says: “And we ’bout to hit Jacob the jeweler/ So I could be like Slick Rick and rule ya/ Dr. Martin Louis the King Jr./ And I’ma never let the dream turn to Kruegers/ My outfit’s so disrespectful/ You could gon’ ahead and sneeze ’cause my presence blessed you/ I mean, we walked in this bitch so stylish/ Niggas done mistook me for my stylist”

WULU says: Damn. I’d personally like to thank Kanye for spazzing on this record. It’s crazy to me that rappers are still asking for Mr. West features when he keeps Renegade’n fools on tracks. Have they not seen the laundry list of victims? Seriously, the man is lyrically on a different planet..

6. Super High feat. Ne-Yo (Produced by Clark Kent & The Remedy)

Rozay says: “We doin’ it big, it’s goin’ down, 9/11/ I’m doin’ it big, pullin’ up in a 911”

WULU says: And the 2010 “WTF! Did this asshole really just say what I think he said?” Award goes to..

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOZAY!

*Clap Clap Clap*

Thank you Mr. Ross for your contribution to hip-hop’s “most egregiously offensive lyrics on sooooo many levels” hall of fame.

Buffoonery babbles strike three. GTFOH.

Applaud him.

BTW: Super High (Sativa Remix) >>>>>>>> Super High (Regular Version)

7. No. 1 feat. Trey Songz & Diddy (Produced by Danja)

Diddy says: “Used to move white white girl out in Maryland/Now my girlfriends blonde like Marilyn/We numba 1 we mad more paper/Ain’t nothin like Bad Boy paper”

WULU says: God damn it.

Who the fuck let Diddy near a mic? I thought someone was supposed to be watching him.

Quick, get dude some cheesecake and make sure he stays in his corner.

(I can’t) take that. (I won’t) take that.

P.S. Is it me or does Trey Songz sound alarmingly like Eminem on this track?

8. MC Hammer feat. Gucci Mane (Produced by Lex Luger)

Gucci says: “GUCCI!”

WULU says: GUCCCCCCCCCCCCI!

9. B.M.F. (Blowin’ Money Fast) feat. Styles P (Produced by Lex Luger)

Rozay says: “I think I’m Big Meech Larry Hoover, whipping work, halleluiah”

WULU says: Funny, cuz I think you’re a dude that just got played. I can’t tell where MC Hammer stops and B.M.F. begins. It’s like the exact same track.. I at least hope you got some kind of package deal for these beats.

Shout out to Lex Luger. Dude’s all ready hustlin these cats and he’s only 19. Way to be on your come up.

10. Aston Martin Music feat. Drake & Chrisette Michele (Produced by J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League)

Rozay says: “When Im alone in my room sometimes I stare at the walls/ Automatic weapons on the floor but who can you call”

WULU says: When I’m alone in my room sometimes I’ll fart and then I’ll say door knob.

Out loud.

And ain’t no one even in the room..

What the fuck am I even doing?

11. All The Money In The World feat. Raphael Saadiq (Produced by The Olympicks)

Rozay says: “I’d never trade my old girl for all the money in the world/ I’d never trade my daughter Troy for all the money in the world”

WULU says: Nice outra. I feel it.

Verdict: If anyone is wondering why this album is so short, go back and look at it’s long list of features. Kanye West. Jay-Z. Drake. T.I. Jadakiss. Trey Songz. Diddy. Gucci Mane. And so on and so forth. With this line-up, I don’t think Ross could have literally afforded to add another track to Teflon Don.

I’m giving this tape beats tho. The production alone makes it worth a listen. With the exception of the BAWSE comparing himself to Bigge (the lyrical equivalent to blasphemy if I’ve ever heard one) this album didn’t make my ears hurt not one bit.

However perhaps that beats should come with an asterisk. Like his South Beach counterparts, the Miami cHeat, one can’t expect to pack that many all-starts on a team/album and not expect to win.

So take it for what you will..

Teflon Don

In stores now.

BAWSE.

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4 Responses

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  1. […] Rick Ross – Teflon Don by WULU […]

  2. Walter said, on August 5, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Glad I checked this out, this is the most hilarious shit I’ve read this week! You’ve got a gift, my friend…you’re the first critic/reviewer I’ve seen speak on the BMF and MC Hammer beat being the same…I think they really thought it was one long ass, shitty song, lol

    Keep doing you, you’ll definitely get traffic, because good shit spreads!

    • WULU said, on August 5, 2010 at 11:55 pm

      thanks my guy! that really means a lot

  3. CornellDaGr8 said, on August 11, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    I thought I was the only one that noticed Mr. Rozay gets really grotesque when he is talking about women. He does it often but seems like people look past it. I agree with the review and keep up the good writing. Good shit.


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